You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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