she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
