How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
