I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
