Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
