when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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