Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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