I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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