I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
