I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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