I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this is an emotional support booty call
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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