True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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