Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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