so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
