I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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