But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
