there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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