Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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