Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
