dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So vagazzling was a success
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
