a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
