The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
