Who did Billy Mays play for?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
