idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize