I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
