You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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