K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
