My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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