He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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