he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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