My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
