I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's blow job season.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
