does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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