so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
