I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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