sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
