my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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