She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
