I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
