I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
