y did u give ur computer a hand job?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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