I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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