Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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