Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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