Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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