I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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