And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i came on her dog
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
