If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
