If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
