My liver just broke up with me...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
