i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
