Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
