He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
