u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sponge bath it is.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize