Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
