Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
