woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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